Blessings in Disguise

Yesterday was a tough day for me. I woke up already in an emotional state. I knew why I was like this I just didn't know how to shake it. In just a few short days it was going to be my due date for Dylan, Dec. 7th. All I could think of is what it would be like if I were still pregnant, about to have a new baby. More than likely, Dylan would already be here because I was already planned to be induced again. Yet, still the date was nearing and it was taking it's toll on me.

I felt bad for Bert, he hadn't seen me like this in while. Since the move I had turned a corner and all the sadness had subsided. I knew that as "the day" got closer it would be hard. Another thing looming on my mind was this weird rash Carson had gotten Saturday afternoon. At first I brushed it off as heat rash. When it didn't go away I didn't know what to think of it and when it was still there on Sunday morning I was more concerned. He had been having a low grade fever off and on and some congestion. Most of it I was attributing to teething (molars are coming in). Well, I decided, come Monday morning if it was still there I was going to take him to the doctor. When he woke up Monday it was still there, although it did seem like it had gone away some. Taking him the doctor wouldn't have been such a big deal but this would be his first visit to a new doctor. Back in Fort Myers it was never a problem getting him in. This was a different story. All I can say is thank goodness my sister knows the doctor because after the third try they got us in that day, not in March as they originally wanted to do.

After causing such a fuss, I was a little embarrassed I was bringing him in for a rash and low grade fever. When we finally got back with the doctor and he saw the rash immediately I could tell it was a good thing we had brought him in. He pulled Carson's skin and asked how long he had had this rash. I told him since Sat. afternoon. He said see how it's not blanching, that's not a good sign. That means it's under the skin, broken capillaries. It can be a sign of very serious things such as meningitis or leukemia. He said the good news was that he had it a few days and wasn't severely sick, which would most likely be the case if it was meningitis. He told us if he would've seen Carson the first day of the rash he would've admitted him to the hospital immediately to start IV antibiotics and figure out what was going on. Since he had been alright he wanted us to go get blood work done right away and he would have the results the next day. He prescribed an antibiotic and tried his best to calm our fears. He said more than likely Carson would be back to normal in a few days and it was just some sort of virus causing it. But we needed to make sure it wasn't something more serious going on here, especially due to the fact that there is a higher prevalence of leukemia in children with Down Syndrome. I knew this. It was because of this we banked Carson's cord blood. I was not prepared for another health scare, however.

We went and got the blood work done, picked up Carson's prescription, and came home. It still had not sunk in that this rash could be a sign of something very serious going on in my sweet boy. Somehow, I went to bed fine, but at 2 AM I woke up and all I could think about was what if. I stared at the monitor and watched him sleep and cried thinking about the possibility that he would not be sleeping in his crib soon, but rather a hospital bed. I posted to Facebook what was going on and just knowing that people out there would know we were in need of prayers gave me enough comfort and peace to get a little rest before my little man woke up the next morning.

Carson got up bright and early and I was examining the rash, it seemed like it was fading away even more. I didn't know if this was a good sign, bad sign, meant something, or nothing at all. I had been googling away, it was my best friend and worst enemy. At about 8:30 I got a call from the drs office and heard the most amazing news, all of his blood work came back normal!!! I wasn't expecting a call until the afternoon and to already have my nightmare over was such a huge relief!! It must've just been some sort of virus. Really I wasn't that concerned just knowing it wasn't something so life altering. I felt like I was walking on a cloud after that! I had already gone through it all in my head and this was not the outcome I was anticipating.

Anyways, I guess what I realized is in Carson's health scare I forgot about what was looming. It got me out of my own head and focused on something else. It was a blessing in disguise. I haven't been upset about it all day because just knowing that my son that is here with us is OK was more than enough for me in one day. I can't tell what tomorrow will be like. Whatever it is will more than likely be my own doing thinking about what could've been. I sincerely believe that everything does happen for a reason, and I think this whole scare did. It helped me focus on what is here and now and not think about what was or could've been. Don't get me wrong, Dylan will always be a part of me and I wouldn't change getting to be his mommy and carry him for the short time I got to, but Carson is the here and now and he needs his mommy too. Life doesn't always take us where we think we're heading, but it leads us to exactly where we are meant to be.

Mommy and Carson about to see Santa!! Later this day is when I first noticed the rash.

The rash on Sunday

My poor boy is so embarrassed about me taking pictures of him like this :) This is the type of rash to not ignore!!

My sweet boy trying to make me realize it's all going to be alright :)

This little guy makes everything else melt away :)

Dreamers and realists

So I was just catching up on one of my favorite TV shows, Modern Family. It was the Thanksgiving episode and as always, the end left us with a sweet message about dreamers vs. realists. It gave me goosebumps. See half the family realized they were dreamers and the other half were realists. The ending message was:

"There are dreamers and there are realists in this world. You'd think the dreamers would find the dreamers and the realists would find the realists. But more often the opposite is true. You see the dreamers need the realists to keep them from soaring to close to the sun. And the realists, well without the dreamers they might not ever get off the ground."

That really hit me. It was me and Bert. He's the dreamer with the big plans and dreams. I'm the realist pulling him back to the ground, if needed, and always thinking of what is realistic. I guess we are a perfect match after all, we keep each other in perfect balance. I wonder what Carson will be like, will my realistic thinking infect his brain and he'll never dream big like his daddy. Or will it be hard to keep him on the ground because his dreams will be so big. As much as I think my way is best (as it usually is :), I secretly want him to be a dreamer. I want him to think the sky's the limit and not to let anything hold him down. I guess yesterday was a day of reflection for me. Stevie Wonder was on Ellen and I was telling Carson, he can't see honey, but look at all he's accomplished in his life. He is an amazing musician and an inspiration to so many. I told him, everyone has struggles and stuff that could hold them back, it's what you do with it that really matters. I don't want Carson to ever think that anything is going to hold him back especially the fact that he has an extra chromosome! I may be the realist in this bunch, but I will not ever let anyone or anything hold Carson back from whatever his dreams may be. So here's to the dreamers and realists keep dreaming big and keep remembering what's real :)

That is definitely the face of a dreamer right there :)

Looks like reality hit someone :(

I think we might have the created the perfect balance of dreamer and realist, only time will tell...