It has been a few days since I last posted and I think it is because this will be one of my most difficult posts to write. Ever.
The morning of March 31 I took a pregnancy test, apparently my behavior had my husband questioning if I was pregnant again. To my shock and surprise the test immediately came back positive. A few more tests later I was pretty certain I was pregnant again, only 7 months after having Carson!! I went through an array of emotions. We had been so consumed dealing with Carson's health issues, although everything had been going well for a while, that there was no way I could be pregnant again! Then I started to feel bad for Carson, he wasn't going to be the baby anymore. After I went through all of those emotions, I finally landed on one that lasted, excited!! Carson was going to have a little brother or sister. All I could think of was how good it would be for Carson to have a sibling, especially one so close in age to him!
I was a little nervous telling people, they were going to think we were insane! I told Bert we had to go ahead and tell our families because the very next day was April Fool's Day and I was pretty sure no one would believe us if we told them then! Everyone was really excited for us. Even though we already had one child, the thought of doubling that was a lot to take in. I decided to wait on the Facebook announcement until after our first doctor's appointment. It was also pretty exciting because three of my best friends were pregnant with their second child as well!! What a fun experience to all have our babies so close together :)
The first appointment went great and because of my Anti-Kell antibody and Carson having Down Syndrome they wanted us to go see Maternal Fetal again. My projected due date was December 7. That would make Carson and the new baby 15 1/2 months apart! Yikes, I was going to be one tired momma!!
Eventually it came time for my first appointment with Maternal Fetal. Me and Bert had already decided that if we were blessed enough again to have a baby with something extra we would be thrilled! Carson had brought so much love and joy into our lives that we would not change one single thing about him or my pregnancy with him. I would be lying if I was hoping for a less eventful pregnancy though. It would be nice if I didn't have to have an amnio or all the ups and downs we went through before we found out Carson had Down. Just a nice "normal" pregnancy would be a nice, little break :) The doctor at Maternal Fetal said everything was measuring perfectly. The nuchal translucency was about half of what Carson's was at that same point in my pregnancy with him. We did the first set of blood work for the screening test for Down Syndrome and we would go from there to see if we needed any further tests. They also thought it might be a girl, I was only 12 weeks so it was a little early to tell! Oh my goodness, what would I do with a little girl, besides dress her up all the time!!!
It is definitely true what they say about you showing sooner in your second pregnancy. I didn't have a huge belly out there, but a bump was starting to show and my clothes were getting very snug. I basically lived in dresses. By this time, I was already almost 15 weeks along and it was time for my third appointment with Dr. Digiorgi, my ob/gyn.
Unfortunately, this appointment would not be just a regular check-up. June 14, 2011, a date I won't soon forget. The appointment started out normal enough, we weren't getting an ultrasound this time so I wasn't too excited. Dr. Digiorgi got out her little doppler thing to hear the heartbeat. We were just chatting away, Bert and Carson were with me so there was lots to chat about. I started noticing that she was having trouble finding the heartbeat. She made a comment that they always give her trouble when they are 14 weeks (I was 14 weeks 6 days). She said let's just go do an ultrasound so I don't have to fight with this thing. She did not seem worried in the least bit. As we were walking to the ultrasound room I remember trying to think back if we ever had trouble finding Carson's heartbeat. I couldn't remember that happening. Oh well, I figured everything was fine.
As soon as she started the ultrasound it became instantly clear that something was not right. Whereas at the last ultrasound the baby was bouncing all around, there was no sign of movement. After what seemed like forever, she finally said "I can't find it. I'm so sorry, I can't find it." You can't find what, I kept thinking!! The baby??? I could see it in there but what was going on. Finally it hit me, my baby was in there but she didn't have a heartbeat anymore. Bert was standing next to me with Carson, in as much shock as I was. Carson meanwhile would not stop babbling away, my poor little boy had no clue what his mommy and daddy were going through at that very instant.
Dr. Digiorgi was just as shocked as we were, this was late for something like this to happen. And the fact that we had seen the specialists and everything looked perfect there was baffling. She just kept saying I'm so sorry and she didn't know how or why something like this happened to us. I had no clue what the next step with something like this was. This was only my second pregnancy ever, and my first one resulted in Carson. She said that we could either wait for the baby to deliver itself or she could perform a DNC at the hospital. She said that sometimes when you deliver the baby you still have to have the DNC performed because the placenta stays attached and you can have excessive bleeding. We asked her what she recommended and I could tell she really told us what she would do if, heaven forbid, she were ever in this situation. We decided on the DNC. She asked us if we wanted to schedule it now or call back in a few days. I wanted to get it scheduled as soon as possible, I was ready to go in the hospital right now and do it. The thought of my little baby inside of me and not moving around was too much to bear. The DNC was scheduled for June 24, 2011. My doctor said it was better to wait a little while before doing it because the less they have to manually open the cervix the better for future pregnancies. She was also going to send me a prescription for a pill to take the night before that helps soften the cervix.
I tried to stay as put together as I possible could until I got out to the car. Bert called Mark as we were walking out and he told him to go into my mom's office, that I was going to call her to tell her something. They instantly knew that something was wrong. I think my mom was crying when she answered the phone. All I could say was that the baby didn't have a heartbeat, I couldn't call it anything other than that. My mom and Mark were already on there way over, as was Bert's family.
At the ultrasound the baby had measured 2 days before my appointment. I kept trying to think if anything had felt different that day and I couldn't think of anything. None of this made any sense. I am a freak during pregnancy, I don't drink caffiene, take Tylenol, stuff that your allowed to do in moderation I don't do!
That night at our house surrounded by family, I seemed alright, telling everyone what was going to happen, setting up who was going to watch Carson. I was supposed to be going out to Dallas for my niece Abby's first birthday that day and I obviously had to cancel that. I remember telling my doctor that when she was trying to schedule it and I know she realized then that it had not hit me. I had no clue what all I was about to go through. She was right, it hadn't. It took a long time for it to hit me. Some days it still does hit me harder than others. Especially when I get email reminders of what week I am, I would be almost 32 weeks now. When I think of things like that, how big I would be right now, it's tough.
The days leading up to the DNC I didn't want to be out in public for fear that someone would notice my tiny baby bump and ask when are you due or do you know what you're having? Any mention of baby or pregnancy and I was afraid I would burst into tears.
When I first found out I remember wanting to have the DNC performed right away, but as it came to a few days before I started to get sad because pretty soon it really was going to be over. I was going to have to face reality and realize that I was no longer pregnant and my baby inside of me was not alive anymore. The DNC was scheduled for 2:00 PM on June 24. I didn't have to get to the hospital until 12. The surgery center at the hospital had called a few days before to go over some questions about anesthesia. I had received and filled my prescription already. I had done some googling about the prescription I had received and started to get a little nervous about it. I read that with some people it made them go into labor. I remembered how quickly the pitocin worked with Carson and was hoping this wouldn't be the same way. The thought of delivering the baby at home was too much to deal with. I was supposed to take it the before I went to bed the night before. Bert's mom was going to come over that morning to watch Carson and me, Bert, my mom, and Mark were going to head to the hospital.
At about 5:00 the morning of June 24 I woke up having really bad cramps. I laid in bed tossing and turning until finally at about 5:45 I went to the bathroom. I remember thinking and praying that these were not contractions and that I was not going into labor. I kept thinking I'm just so stressed and nervous about what was going to happen that this was all that was going on. While I was in the bathroom there was a big burst and water went everywhere. I was in complete shock, all that was going through my head was Lord please don't let this be the baby!! Bert could hear me saying Oh God No, Oh God No and was at the bathroom door asking what was going on. Finally I came to my senses and realized my water had just broken. My water hadn't broken on it's own with Carson, my doctor broke it, so I had never experienced this. I got the bathroom cleaned up, came out and told Bert that my water had just broken. He was in shock, what did he need to do?? I told him I was going to call the doctor's office and tell the nurse on call. I was pretty sure they would want me to go ahead and come to the hospital, especially since we live an hour away. I called the on-call nurse and left a message. A few minutes later she called back and said it would be a good idea to go ahead and head over. More than likely they would keep the DNC scheduled at the same time, but that way I would already be there if anything needed to happen sooner. The contractions had stopped after my water had broken so she said that was a good thing. My mom came upstairs frantically asking what's going on and how was I doing. I was making the bed and totally calm. Bert called his mom to have her come right over. Unfortunately, I did not have time to take a shower before we left and didn't get to use the antibacterial body wash I was supposed to before the surgery. I was very concerned about this for some reason. I kissed Carson goodbye and out the door we went.
I'm pretty sure Bert flew to the hospital, but it felt like it took forever. I was so worried that the baby would come out while we were in the car on our way. I definitely was not ready to deal with that! I have never been so relieved as I was when we pulled into that hospital parking lot. Bert led me into the ER while my mom & Mark parked the car. I told the lady at the front desk what was going on and I could see the sadness in her face for me. They took me right back and got all my vitals and got me into a little room in the triage area.
By this time it was around 8:00, I was relieved that we were here, but my next worry was that Dr. Digiriogi would not be the one to perform my DNC. I just wanted to know that she would still be doing it and then I would feel so much better. I have been through so much with her and completely trust her and would feel so much more comfortable with her performing it, rather than someone else having to do an emergency one. The nurse went ahead and got my IV started, it took a few tries of course (very bad veins, that roll! Yay for me!!). When the ER doctor finally came in about an hour later and said that he had talked to Dr. Digiorgi and I was going to hang out there until they got a room upstairs. Then I would stay there until it was time to come down for the DNC when it was scheduled for at 2.
A little while later they came to transfer me up to probably one of the only areas of the hospital we hadn't been in all of our stays. This was the Special Delivery area. Once I got settled into the room it was almost 11. The nurse got me all checked in and then said that if I was having pain there was some medicine called in for me. I told her I was in some pain but it wasn't too bad yet. After a little while the pain started to increase and she came back in to check on me. I told her I would take some of it now, she said that she would give me just half of the dose because it can be pretty strong. She said to be careful whenever I got up because it could make me a little wobbly too. I was feeling better after getting the pain medicine and a little while after I realized that I was bleeding pretty heavily. I'm really not trying to gross anyone out here and I'm sorry if I am, I just want to tell this as I experienced it. This the part where it gets particularly difficult to tell.
My mom helped me to the bathroom and as I sat down I felt something coming out. I could not even comprehend what was going on. I yelled out to Bert to call the nurse right away!! I was pretty sure the baby had just come out. I looked down and there was my little, tiny baby, just hanging there. It was too much to bear. The nurses rushed in and put some of those panties they give you after you birth to hold the baby there and asked me if I could make it to the bed. All I vaguely remember is I kept asking for water, I don't think I had mentioned this but I wasn't able to eat or drink anything after midnight the night before. I remember being very thirsty and I felt very weak. I stood up and the next thing I remember was hearing all kinds of people asking if I'm alright, can I get up. Apparently I had passed out on the way to the bed. Once I came to, I got right up and into the bed, climbing over the rails I'm told. I don't remember much of that because I was very weak. I had lost quite a bit of blood. My mom was hysterically crying at this point and the nurses wanted everyone out but my husband, Bert. They had called Dr. Digiorgi and were waiting on her to come up from surgery. Finally she got in there and was pretty concerned with how I looked, and I was already feeling much better by the time she got in there!
She cut the umbilical cord and asked if I wanted to see my baby. I did so she had the nurse clean him up and wrap him up in a baby blanket for us. It was a he, not a her as we had previously thought. He was so tiny and so blue. I just remember looking at his little ribs sticking out and his legs that were so bony. He had deteriorated some since he had been in there for a while not alive. Even though, the experience of delivering him was so traumatic, I am so glad I did get to see him.
Although I had delivered the baby, the placenta was still attached. Dr. Digiorgi said that we could still do the DNC to remove it, or we could try this medicine that helps to get it out while we were waiting. Unfortunately, the medicine can cause more intense cramping. Although I had not an ounce of energy left in me from what all I had just been through, I completely trust my doctor and went with what she suggested. We were going to try one round of the medicine and keep the DNC scheduled as planned. Of course, we could not stay in the room we were in and had to be moved to the rooms you go to after you have a baby. They wheeled me out with my baby wrapped up in a blanket laying beside my legs. When we got wheeled past my mom and Mark and Bert's dad and Rhonda they all looked so concerned. My mom said that she thought she had lost me when I hit the floor. I just remember as we were being wheeled past people, wondering if they could see the dead baby laying beside me or if they had any idea of what all I had just been through. Finally we got up to our room, it was the same exact room I stayed in after I had Carson. What a crazy way for things to come full circle.
It was after lunch sometime by this point, the nurse came in started the medicine. The baby was just laying in one of those pink buckets they always have when you're in the hospital. It was heart-wrenching to look over and know he was in there. Dr. Digiorgi had asked if we wanted testing done to see if we could figure out what happened, we absolutely did. The nurse came in and asked us if we wanted to do anything with his remains. We had not even thought of this because we didn't think we would have remains. She was very sweet and gave us the information of a funeral home that will do it, because before 20 weeks you don't have to have a death certificate so that makes it difficult to have anything done with the remains sometimes. The medicine started working and I was in quite a bit of pain. They gave me some more pain medicine and I started feeling like maybe the placenta was ready to come out. I went to the bathroom, with the nurses help, and all that was coming out were just huge blood clots. I was so exhausted, delirious, totally unable to process what was going on. I think I got a little bit of rest and then Dr. Digiorgi came back in from surgery to check on me. The placenta still hadn't come and it was coming time for my scheduled DNC. Unfortunately, the OR was not ready yet and things were running behind, so she suggested I try one more round of the medicine to see if it will make any more progress and then as soon as the OR opens up we'll head down. Alright, I agreed. After an hour or so later nothing more had happened and the nurses finally came to take me down to the pre-op area. The anesthesologist came in to talk to me and see if I had any questions, I had my cap on, everything was pretty much ready to go, just waiting on Dr. Digiorgi to get down from another surgery. I felt like I had to go pee again and decided I should go before they put me under. The nurse helped me to the bathroom and as I'm using it I feel something come out, in what had become a pattern that day, I was pretty sure the placenta had come out. I tell the nurse and she comes in and checks and says, no I think that's just a blood clot and flushes the toilet. I felt a little uneasy about that, but hey, she's the nurse not me. When Dr. Digiorgi comes in I tell her I thought I delivered the placenta but the nurse said it wasn't. She started feeling around and said she was pretty sure there wasn't anything left. She got an ultrasound machine brought down to double check and it was gone. Unfortunately, the placenta had gotten flushed down the toilet. That was very disheartening to me because the placenta is what can show if something happened between me and the baby to cause it to pass on.
It was almost 5 in the afternoon as I was leaving the hospital. I was in a daze at what all had just happened. Bert stopped to get me something to eat, I think I took a few bites and then just zoned out on the way home. It was pouring rain the entire way home. I was exhausted. I got home, kissed Carson, and went upstairs to lay down. I laid there not really awake, but definitely not asleep, when finally I came back downstairs an hour or so later. Ralph and Nichole had brought so much good, home cooked food for me to have when I got home. It was such an amazingly thoughtful thing for them to do and much appreciated. I ate a little food and then finally took a shower.
In the days that followed it still didn't seem real. I think the hardest day was that following Monday morning, after everyone had left. It was in those moments when no one was here when it would hit me the hardest, when the tears would stream down my face uncontrollably. I could tell Bert was really concerned for me and had no clue what to do with me. Poor thing, I would only get this way when it was only him here.
We received a call that Monday from the grief counselor at the hospital seeing how we were doing. Bert also called the funeral home. We could come meet with them that afternoon, they also wanted to know if we had a name. That was another thing we hadn't thought of, a name. It was beyond to difficult to think of a name for your dead baby. When we thought it was a girl, we really liked the name Dylan. We decided that since that was the name we wanted for our baby girl, it was the name we would use for our baby boy instead. We decided on Anthony for the middle name in honor of Pop-pop (Mark). His middle name is Anthony. I called my mom to tell her and broke down in tears. She said she was coming back over and she would watch Carson while we went.
Never in a million years did I see myself walking into a funeral home with Bert for this reason. We got brought back to a room and it all seemed so surreal. We looked around and saw these really neat glass memorial globes they had. They are on a lighted stand and have colors blown into the glass along with the ashes. They were a really beautiful memorial we thought. The girl we met with showed us some different urns they have for babies or children, none of them seem to fit what we wanted. We decided to go with the memorial globe. The funeral home waves all their fees in a situation like this one, so all we had to pay for was the globe. We thought that was very nice of them.
In the weeks following the death of Dylan, I would be fine around people and a broken-down mess in private. Bert kept trying to think of anything that would lift my spirits. He suggested I go out to Dallas to visit my sister Tara, since I had missed Abby's first birthday due to all of this. I was hesitant, I didn't want to leave. I felt like anything I did made it more real. Finally I decided to go. Me and Carson flew out with my mom & Mark and stayed out there almost a week. It was such a nice break from everything and helped me more than anyone will ever know.
Still there are difficult days, as I said some days it just hits me how far along I would be now. What would it be like to be big pregnant and taking care of Carson? I know that everything happens for a reason and that If God will bring you to it, he will get you through it, but it is difficult some days to find a reason why. My doctor called me about a month after the "delivery" and told me that unfortunately, they couldn't grow anything from the tissue they took so there were no answers as to why I miscarried. She mentioned the ears were low-set which could possibly mean something genetic, but it was so early and the body had deteriorated some so she was pretty sure that it didn't mean anything at all. It is scary to think that maybe there is something going on with me. My first pregnancy I have a child with Down Syndrome (which I wouldn't trade for the world and I would take a million more babies with Down!!) and my second pregnancy I lose. I try to push that thought back and whenever we get to a place when we are ready to try again we'll cross that bridge.
I know many of you out there have been through much worse and people lose babies much later in pregnancies. This is just my experience and loss of my baby at 15 weeks. Some may think oh you're only 15 weeks, that's not enough time to be attached, but I strongly disagree. From the second you find out your pregnant you form a bond with your baby and you have hopes and dreams for that baby. You envision your life with that baby in it, you plan your future with that baby in it, so when that goes away, it is a very significant loss.
Just the other day I received an invitation in the mail from HealthPark to a memorial service at the Children's Memory Garden. It is for families who have lost a child. The quote on the invitation was especially moving to me, so I thought it would be fitting that I end this emotional post with that quote:
"A butterfly lights beside us like a sunbeam
And for a brief moment its glory and beauty belong to our world,
But then it flies on again.
And though we wish it could have stayed,
We feel so lucky to have seen it."
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| 3 days after I found out I was pregnant. Only 4 weeks, 4 days and already planning our life with two babies :) |
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| Tiny baby bump poking out, 11 weeks, 4 days. |
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| Me & Bert before Courtney & Martin's Engagement Party. 11 weeks, 3 days. The life as the DD :) |
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| Dylan Anthony Barnes, 5/25/11, 12 weeks |
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| Last ultrasound of my baby |
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| Dylan's Memorial Globe |
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| It is a beautiful piece of Dylan we will always have with us |
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| Dylan Anthony Barnes, June 24, 2011 |
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