The Upside of Down: Life is Always Changing

So, I've been thinking a lot about change lately. It's a constant part of life. You know what they say (whoever "they" are, I'm not sure :), that they only thing you can be certain of, is that everything will change. While some changes are for the good, some are for the bad, and some are just different.
I've been thinking about change because I've also been questioning how I've changed, for the most part, since everything happened with Dylan. I know after Carson I of course changed, I became a parent!! My entire life changed in an instant, definitely for the better!! The way I look at life, the decisions I make, every single thing was different after he was born. It is really hard to remember what life was like before him, and I don't want to!! But, I have been trying to understand how the loss of Dylan has changed me. For instance, I have become a constant worrier. I know I've always worried about stuff but now it is incessant. I can't make it stop sometimes. I know I drive my husband crazy with constantly reminding him of things we need to do all the way to worrying about the way he's driving, it never ends. I've tried to stop it, but it's like it's ingrained in me now. I wish I could remember if I was this bad before, but I'm pretty certain I wasn't. I think the worrying is a way of having control over things. I feel like if I worry and anticipate the worst than I have more control over the situation. I became so used to things that, never in a million years expected to happen to me, happen. I didn't expect to have so many issues in my first pregnancy, I didn't expect Carson to have Hirschsprung's Disease and surgery by 6 weeks old, and most of all, I didn't expect to lose my second pregnancy. When all of these things you never think will happen to you do, it definitely leaves it's mark on you. My husband says that he doesn't know how I can sleep with all the worrying and thinking I'm constantly doing, but for the most part I sleep fine and it doesn't really stress me out. It's like if I'm thinking about it and figuring it out in my mind, I'm content. Very strange, I know, and I might possibly need to be on some sort of meds for it!! :)
Another thing that I'm certain is different about me since Dylan, is that I am very opposed to change now. It's like I want everything to stay the same. I've tried to psychoanalyze this one and it's a little more difficult. I'm pretty sure it's because I feel like the more things change from how they were when I was pregnant with Dylan, the farther away from him I become. It really felt like our world fell apart after Dylan. So many things came crumbling down after that, and it felt like if it could go wrong, it did. In my mind, I kept thinking if I was still pregnant with Dylan everything would be alright. I didn't want anything to change from how it was when I was pregnant with him.
Lately it has really hit me because we are about to make a big change and it has brought a lot of this stuff up. We are going to be moving from LaBelle over to the Stuart area. It's something we've been wanting to do for years to be closer to my family and our friends and the right time has just kind of presented itself. While it is very exciting to be closer to my family and not have to travel as far for doctor's appointments and therapy, it is extremely bittersweet. I have had numerous nights laying in bed crying, heartbroken to leave Carson's pediatrician, therapists, and my ob/gyn that delivered Carson and Dylan, not to mention Bert's family, our friends, and amazing neighbors. We have been through so much with all of them and love them like family. I have been extremely conflicted on what to do. I know for our emotional health and happiness moving will be great. It will be a fresh start after all we've been through. Plus, we are over at my mom's almost every weekend as it is, so now we will be this much closer to them. But it breaks my heart to leave such amazing people. In the 14 months that Carson has been here, we have become extremely close with all of these people and I know they love Carson as if he was their own. I just feel like this will be best for us and I promise to always stay in touch with these wonderful people and visit them whenever we are in town :) We are going to keep all of Carson's specialists in Fort Myers so we will be over every 6 months to a year and Bert's family still lives over there so it's not like we're gone forever. It will still be hard to leave what we have known for such a long time.
The emotional part of moving has been difficult to get through, we will be leaving our home that we have gone through so much at. We have had extremely high high's and crushingly low low's. I know I try to stay as upbeat and positive as I can on here and I do know that this will be good for us and change is good, it's just brought up so many emotions. I am a very sentimental person, even getting a new car is emotional for me, so you can only imagine what the thought of moving out of the house you've lived in for the last 5 years is doing to me!!
This will be the start of a new chapter in our life and while it is exciting and new, I never want to forget where we came from and what brought us here. Hopefully I can become a little more carefree as more time passes and not worry quite as much. I've already started to make a conscious effort to work on it :) It's amazing how a move, used to just be a move, but once you have kids so much more goes into it. All in all, I know this will be great for Carson and give him more opportunity than where we are at now. There is an amazing Down Syndrome Awareness group nearby and the community is really accepting and understanding of Down Syndrome. I am a ball of emotions with all of this and how I feel about it varies by the hour, but the overall feeling is excitement!! I'm trying to embrace change and know that no matter where we are Dylan will always be with us.